The Benefits of Being A Pirate
by sk8ordie
Summary: This is a persuasive essay I wrote for English. It is about the holiday called "Talk like a Pirate Day." I learned of this holiday from a newspaper article written by Dave Barry of the Miami Herald. It is more of a satire than a parody.
1. The Essay

In today's world, there are many different holidays. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day, Easter and Independence Day are just a few of the most celebrated ones. Not many people know that there is another, more interesting holiday that should be just as important as Halloween. On September 19, this particular holiday will be observed, hopefully, by people across the globe. Talk Like A Pirate Day is a prominent, relatively new holiday that could influence the nation.  
  
How often does a holiday come along where it is actually stated in the name what the purpose of the holiday is? Answer: hardly ever. When someone hears about Talk Like a Pirate Day (emphasis on Talk Like a Pirate), they will know exactly what it is about. Upon hearing "Halloween" for the first time, an individual might become confused because it could easily be mistaken for something other than a holiday (such as a town which would probably be located in Romania or some other Transylvanian type place). There is another problem. For other people, there may be confusion because Talk Like A Pirate Day has such an explanatory name opposed to the choas inducing names of regular holidays that most people are used to. Calculating that some people could get confused by the names of normal holidays, and other people may become confused by the thoughtfully named holidays, the population could go into mass corruption from being overly confused. Even the most intelligent people could suffer a sudden mental breakdown. For the sake of our nation's collective intellect and well-being, let us change the name of every strangely named holiday to something more appropriate! Example for Halloween: Walk Around Dressed Up In Weird Costumes While Bumming Candy Off Your Neighbors Day.  
  
President George W. Bush has said that he will make an effort to improve education in the United States. The problem our nation has is that not very many children really know how to talk like a pirate. A couple decades ago when education did not seem to be in such a slump, almost everyone was fluent in the language of the pirate. In our world today, children only hear pirate talk in those Chips Ahoy! commercials. This is the one chance that our nation will get to improve education nation-wide just by word of mouth, literally. With the help of Talk Like a Pirate Day, we can now shoot the IQs of our elementary school students sky high.  
  
Talk Like a Pirate Day falls a little over a week after the September 11 anniversary and the nation has been mourning over the deaths of the thousands of innocent people. President Bush has asked the citizens of our country to go about our normal lives; and what better a way to do that than celebrate such a fantastic holiday! As Americans, we need to stand strong and put the past behind us. It seems to be perfect timing for Talk Like a Pirate Day to come along and help us to succeed in getting back to reality; which happens to be talking like pirates. There is no doubt that this holiday could have a positive effect big enough that we would not be able to go to war with Iraq because they would start their own form of Talk Like a Pirate Day. If an Iraqi Talk Like A Pirate Day doesn't come about, when World War III breaks out we will have found a new military code that will rival that of the Navajo Code Talkers. Example: Arrrrr! They be organisin' a mutany against ol' Captain Putin. Attack th' scurvy dogs while we got th' advantage! Translation: The Russians are overthrowing President Putin. Nuke 'em while we can!  
  
This is the chance of a lifetime for our nation. We now have a holiday with an understandable name, that will improve the education of our children, improve our foreign affairs, help us develop a new military code while making the population happier. There hasn't ever been a holiday with such benefits! If President Bush wants to prove that he really is intelligent, he will gladly promote this holiday. Anyone in our country that feels that they need to make our country a better place should participate in this wonderful occasion. 


	2. Information

All "information" I got from a newspaper article written by Dave Barry. Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. His articles appear weekly in newspapers across the country. If you would like to read the article, go to http://www.miamiherald.com and click on Dave Barry. 


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